A Relationship Bible
by John Gray
It's
long since I was searching for a book that could teach me how to start with a
good married life…. Maybe because I was about to lose my bachelorhood last
month JJ. I was picking many books that were related to
Relationship & to understand women in a better way… and fortunately one of my friends advised me to read this book. I was a bit lazy
to read it but when I started reading I could not stop myself. Every time I
read I felt as if it was meant just for me. I could not believe the problems
mentioned in this book were so real and also the solutions offered….
Imagine that men are from Mars and women are from Venus.
One day long ago the Martians, looking through their telescopes, discovered the
Venusians. They fell in love and quickly invented space travel and flew to
Venus. The Venusians welcomed the Martians with open arms. Then they decided to
fly to Earth.
In the beginning everything was wonderful and beautiful. But the effects of the
earth’s atmosphere took hold, and one morning everyone woke up with a peculiar
of amnesia. Both the Martians and Venusians forgot that they were from
different planets and were supposed to be different. And since that day
men and women have been in conflict.
Men continue to expect women to think and react like men, and women expect men
to feel and behave like women. Without a clear awareness of our differences, we
don’t take the time to understand and respect each other. We become demanding,
resentful, judgmental, and tolerant. When men and women are able to respect and
accept their differences then love has a chance to blossom.
Chapter 1: Men Are from Mars, Women Are
from Venus
It is important to remember that men
and women have reciprocally different natures. Men and women need to appreciate
these differences, and cease expecting each other to act and feel the way they
do.
Chapter 2: Mr. Fix-It and the Home
Improvement Committee
Men love to have their abilities
recognized and appreciated, but women love to have their feelings recognized
and appreciated.
Men like to work on their own, and
exercise their abilities by solving problems quickly and singlehandedly; women
like to co-operate, and exercise their feelings through interactive
communication with one another. Men desire that their solutions will be appreciated;
women desire that their assistance will be appreciated.
Chapter 3: Men Go to Their Caves and Women
Talk
When men do communicate, they like to
get to the point, and generally only want to listen if they feel the
conversation has a point; women enjoy talking for its own sake, and are happy
to listen unconditionally.
Chapter 4: How to Motivate the Opposite Sex
In a relationship, a man needs to feel
that his attentions are needed, and a woman needs to feel that her needs are
attended. To achieve this, a man has to express his desire to fulfil her needs
and her worthiness to receive his care, and a woman has to express her desire
for his care and his worthiness to fulfil her needs. Both must remember to
appreciate, accept, and forgive the other, and avoid blaming them when they
fail.
Chapter 5: Speaking Different Languages
Men talk in very literal terms for the
purpose of relaying information; women employ artistic license and dramatic
vocabulary to fully express and relate their feelings.
Chapter 6: Men Are Like Rubber Bands
Men periodically bolt for cover when
they suddenly fear that their self-sufficiency is becoming threatened. At these
times they may become utterly unapproachable, demanding the right to be left on
their own and to be allowed not to express their feelings, but if given support
by being afforded space for a little while, they will soon feel better and
spring back into their usual loving selves once again. It can be hard for women
to handle the suddenness and speed with which men bolt for cover, and then
subsequently spring back.
Chapter 7: Women Are Like Waves
Men demand the right to be free from
time to time; women demand the right to be heard from time to time. When a man
feels free he finds it easier to support a woman’s need to be heard; when a
woman feels heard she finds it easier to support a man’s need to be free.
Chapter 8: Discovering Our Different
Emotional Needs
Men and women need to remember that the
emotional needs of the opposite sex are not the same as their own. Providing
our partners with the wrong type of emotional needs will not be greatly
appreciated.
Men must listen attentively to women to
understand their needs, avoiding getting angry or defensive; women must have
faith in men's abilities and best efforts to fulfill their needs, avoiding
trying to change or control them.
Chapter 9: How To Avoid Arguments
Communication between relationship
partners should be loving and respectful; verbal attacks by contrast are highly
destructive. It is often not so much what is said that causes the damage, but
the tone of voice and body language which accompanies it.
To stop communication degenerating into
arguments, men should strive to listen without getting defensive, and women
should try to express their feelings without criticizing their partners.
Chapter 10: Scoring Points with the Opposite
Sex
Men feel loved if their efforts at
giving are appreciated; women feel loved according to what they receive. For
women, loving someone means knowing and attending to their needs without
waiting to be asked, and so a loved person should never have to ask for
anything as their needs ought to be anticipated ahead of time.
Men value results;
for women it’s the thought that counts. A woman may consider a bunch of flowers
to be just as good a proof of love as an entire month of hard work towards
paying the bills.
Men should try to identify various little ways to give to their partners
without waiting to be asked first, and should avoid the mistake of assuming
their partners to be happy giving and not asking for anything back. If men
give, and women appreciate, both end up feeling happy.
Chapter 11: How to Communicate Difficult
Feelings
To ease the pain and win love, men
often obsessively seek success, and women obsessively seek perfection. Men may
use anger, ego, or oblivion (such as burying themselves in their work) to avoid
vulnerable feelings of pain or fear; women may lapse into depression or
confusion to avoid having aggressive feelings of anger.
Writing our feelings down is excellent
for expressing our negative emotions (anger, pain, fear, and regret) in a controlled
manner, rather than letting them explode at our partners in the heat of the
moment.
Chapter 12: How to Ask for Support and Get
It
It is best to allow a man the freedom
to do things in a way and at a time that works for him. If a man is busy doing
something and a woman needs his help on something else, she should feel free to
ask him for help, but be prepared for him to request to defer it or even to
refuse it; if requests always require positive answers, they are really
demands, and men will sense the difference. If a man grumbles about a request
then he is actually considering it, and the best approach is to simply wait for
him to come to a decision without saying anything further, and aim to accept
the outcome graciously.
Chapter 13: Keeping the Magic of Love Alive
In relationships, unresolved negative
feelings can pop up without warning, and we suddenly become upset, or
sensitive, or distant. When this happens to our partners we should encourage
them to work through it, accepting that it may take some time and that they may
need support from outside as well as from ourselves….
Love inevitably changes over time: the
pristine bliss we feel when we first fall in love doesn’t last forever, and
over time our personal faults and negative baggage inevitably become exposed.
But if we stick tight through the ups and downs of life and each other, then
our initial bliss gradually changes into a mature form of love which can become
stronger and fuller with every passing year….
The author has so nicely explained both
men as well as woman's needs, desires, their expectations from the
spouse...everything. The best is the way he explains, takes practical examples
from his life
as well as from the seminars he conducted and the problems faced by different
people. I am sure in this book you will find a solution to your tensions or
problems.
I would suggest everybody who's interested in sharing a good understanding
and a good relation with their Friends, Boyfriend/Girlfriend, spouse.
